Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Reasons NOT To Get Married

This isn't targeted toward anyone in particular. I just get tired of people asking about relationships and marriage just because everyone else is gettin' hitched. I hate the fact that people worry about someone else getting married or settling down. I got news for you; I think married people are the fools. It seems to me that only a small percentage of married people are truly happy. I wonder how many were happier being single. I'm sure that marriage is hard work. But exactly how hard should it be? When do you decide to throw in the towel? Marriage is fine for the small number of people who marry the one person they really want to spend the rest of their lives with. That is the exception, not the norm. I think divorce rates in this country prove my point. So, I thought I would present some of my reasons not to get married, as a public service, because I like to help people. Some might say I'm a people person. Yeah, I guess some people could say that. They would be dead fucking wrong, but it could be said. Here we go:

1-Face it, you're just gonna' get divorced later. The divorce rates in this country are astronomical. You can't beat the odds.

2-Did you ever like to go to baseball/football/hockey/soccer/basketball games,racing events,bars,strip clubs,golfing,etc. with your friends? Not anymore. Now she makes all the plans for you. Weddings, showers, parties, all to attended by you in an attempt to bore you to fucking death. Or render you sterile. Women use husbands like a gotdamn accessory.

3-The kid comes next. They almost always want one of those. Now you don't even have time for internet porn.

4-Two chicks at one time. It could still happen, dude. Don't give up on the dream, just yet.

5-Being a bachelor is an old, proud tradition that takes hard work (especially with the chicks throwing themselves at you) but damn it, someone has to do it. Don't be a quitter.

6-Don't you want to be the old, single, and therefore slightly creepy, uncle one day?

7-We are men. We shouldn't be tied to one woman. We aren't wired that way. We are meant to spread our seed far and wide.

8-When you're the single guy, all your married friends will leave any marriage contraband at your house. Anything that may need to be hidden from the ball and chain: porn, drugs, weapons, bank statements, little black book, whatever. You know you can't keep that stuff at home, because she goes through your shit. Trust me.

9-No in-laws.

10-No 'Honey Do Lists'. Fuck, I hate that shit. I hate the fucking concept and I would like to skull-fuck the asshole who came up with that idea. I mean, fuck you, you suck ass. The first time some woman gives me a list, she'll be asking me: "Honey, do you realize you've put all my clothes into a black garbage bag and thrown them onto the fucking lawn?"

11-The ride. Whatever your pleasure. Two wheels or four. Inboard or outboard. Doesn't matter what it is, but guys need a ride. A motorcycle, sports car, muscle car, boat, snowmobile, something mechanical and powerful that gives you a feeling of freedom and stress-free exhilaration. Even if you are with other guys, you and you alone are in charge of your ride. Married men are forced to either abandon their rides or share their rides. Some guys may enjoy sharing their rides. There is a word for those guys. We call them 'pussy'.


Eat it whores

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Holidays

Fuck you. I hate the holidays. I got bitten by a shitty fucking dog 3 times this weekend.

My life is killing me slowly. I prayed that I would choke on a piece of turkey this weekend and be spared from the holiday misery. Once again, another prayer unanswered.

At least I am being proved right about something. I have said for the past 5 years that Michael Vick is not a capable leader to bring the Falcons to championship level. He just hasn't done the job and I am pretty sure that he won't.

Stop reading my fucking post before I hit you in the neck with a pipewrench. You probably aren't reading it anyway, so you better read it before I hit you in the neck with a pipewrench. Don't make my postings become regular death threats.

Shit,

PocoPinga

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Let the Big Dawg Eat

The SEC football conference of the NCAA is proud of being consistently one of the toughest in college football. The Georgia Bulldogs showed why last night. The team that is predicted to be this year's ACC champion got beat by the unranked Dawgs, who are in a rebuilding year. The ACC is crap. Clemson, Florida State Criminoles, Tech, all got beat by SEC teams. Sending the person tech calls a QB, reggie ball, home 0-4 and out the door, is a beautiful thing. When will the ACC learn? If you can't run with the big Dawgs, better stay on the porch. Eat it reggie.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I Don't Reward Stupidity

In our daily lives, the goings to and fro, interactions with people personally and professionally we face stupidity. There's an old poker saying "If you can't spot the sucker at the table, you're the sucker". If you think you don't face stupidity ever day, you can skip this blog because you are the stupid one.

Everyone deals with stupidity differently, I'm sure. Me, I have a policy of not rewarding stupidity. I deal with my fair share of dumbasses daily. This may sound petty, but I don't treat stupid people the same as reasonably intelligent people who put on their pants before their shoes. I decided that if someone is a dumbass, I should treat them like one. I try to teach stupid people lessons about stupidity. I'm a teacher, that's what I am. I help the less fortunate morons. Hell, I'm practically a gotdamn saint. Examples?

When stupid people call me on the phone, I try to teach them to be smarter, more productive members of society. If someone calls my business and asks a dumb question, I politely explain why that question isn't valid and also offer alternative questions that would better suit the situation involving their dumbass self. Some people appreciate being taught what they should or should not be concerned with when inquiring about automotive service. I'm happy to do it, most of the time. But my good nature changes when people don't listen to me or ignore me after asking a dumbass question. Being stupid isn't a crime, but not wanting to learn should be punishable by death. With a fucking machete. So, I don't reward stupidity. Stupid people don't get special considerations, or extra help and advice, benefits and perks only available to those that aren't fucktards. Dumbasses don't get their car finished first, or an extra few minutes making sure everything is perfect, or the priveledge of stopping by without an appointment for quick bulb replacements or tires repaired while you wait. That's for smart people. People that listen and pay attention.

If you are driving down the road and you see a sign announcing a lane merger ahead, and some jackass waits until the last possible second to merge and then wants you to let them in front of you, do you reward them? For being a dumbass, or for being an asshole? Don't reward stupidity. If you see some jackass on a cell phone going slow as shit in the fast lane, let them know. A nice loud honk of the horn for 5-10 seconds does wonders. That's a long time, try it. People all around will look and if the person has any fucking sense and any shame they will correct their actions after being admonished publicly. Any dumbass on the road is only encouraged and emboldened by society not calling them on their shitass actions.

So, when you encounter a dumbass, idiot, moron doing something stupid, let them know. If possible offer alternate actions that don't make you want to strangle the retard in question. Teach dumbasses that stupidity is not to be rewarded.
Eat it whores.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

A Word of Advice for Shitty Drivers

What ever happened to integrity? I am driving on the highway this afternoon when I decide to make a lane change. Using my turn signal (yes cars have them)I proceed to shift lanes when a gentlemen decides to switch lanes also. To make a long story short, I had the right of way, and he decides to "speed up" hoping to force me out of my rightful position. When I don't flinch, he let's up and bestows on me a gesture indicative of his disapproval; keep in mind, I had the right of way. Now, here is the advice: If you are going to get all pissy, flick people off, whatever, be willing to back it up. After his rude gesture, I motioned for him to pull over so we could discuss my obvious stupidity. He was not up for that. That being said,I'm so goddamned sick of motherfuckers who want to be a badass until shit hits the fan and then pretend like they don't know what is going on. Don't pull up next to me, flick me off, and not have the nuts to look me in the face. Also, don't slow down until I'm about to exit THEN speed up, flick me off, and "call me out." You not only lack integrity, but you are a coward. If you think I'm being redneck, then don't read my fucking blog because I care neither for you or your opinion. See ya on the road!

Marriage kills and other assorted facts of life

I read this article about men's health and some (supposed) factors that contribute to life expectancy and good health overall. What a load of shite. Anyone who suggests that married men and men with children live longer lives is full o' crap. Come on, this one is easy. Think about it. No fucking way marriage or kids make you live longer. Think of the added stress of a wife. Oh yeah, all that nagging and bitching surely will make you live a more stress free life . Children screaming, crying, whining, all seem like a wonderful idea for good health and prolonged life. Hell, you might as well take a job on an Alaskan crab fishing boat. Seafood is good for you, right? Don't worry about falling overboard and fucking dying. Data suggests fish is healthy. You should be fine. Anyone with half a brain knows that marriage and children increase stress and stress creates many a health problem. Look at every President of the United States. Regardless of your political leanings, it's obvious that enduring heavy amounts of stress prematurely age men. Clinton and Bush are the most recent and glaring examples. If you ever see a side by side picture of P.o.t.U.S.'s when they enter office and when they leave the change is staggering. Healthy, vigorous looking men leave the highest office looking older, weaker, and just plain worn out. The same thing happens when you wife bitches about the garbage, the car, the house/condo/apartment, work, money, your brat kids, bringing home strippers for threesomes,chores for you instead of watching some sporting event, visiting relatives you dislike, etc., etc. They are wearing you down! Get out now! The cat is out of the bag: your wife and kids are killing you slowly. I suggest a guys trip to Vegas, but your wife will probably say no. Pussy.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Make your Carpet match the Drapes

This is such an awesome idea. These chicks started selling hair dye for the hair pie. Nice. All the basic colors are covered but nothing outrageous. I want some more vibrant punk rock color options for the cooter. I should email the company.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Three Dead After Truck Hits Mule-Drawn Carriage

I'll give you one damned guess which state this happened in.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Happy Birthday Jarheads

Happy Birthday to the United States Marine Corps! Hooah! Two hundred and thirty one years of protecting and defending the best country on earth. Thank you. Semper Fidelis.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

God must hate you

All my christian brothers and sisters may want to skip this and move along, nothing for you to see here. I don't have anything against christians or christianity, some of my favorite people in the world pray to the man in the sky, but dumb is dumb. This is a wonderful story about snake handling. Some people believe that you can handle serpents without being bitten because the lord will protect the "true believers". I guess this woman didn't believe enough, or God hates her. Either way it's a dumbass way to die. More oxygen for me moron.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

I"ll be fucking damned. I forgot my password so I will leave my rant on this asshole's blogspace. The Bulldogs are lucky we aren't in the United Kingdom. If we were, those lolly-gagging son of a bitches would have an asswhooping waiting for them from the entire village. I'd be okay with a fucking rebuilding year...MAYBE two, but at least beat Vanderbilt at homecoming and Kentucky PERIOD. Fuck you Joe Tereshinski, if you had a hair on your ass, you would have put some dirt on your knee, played the rest of the season and maybe helped your team. You obviously did not sign a committment form. Fuck you. Fuck you Mohammad the receiver...fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck the damned Falcons too. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Shit Fuck Ass Dick. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Your car stinks

In my job working for an auto repair shop I drive a lot of people’s cars, and let me tell you something: your car stinks. That’s right, there’s a pretty good chance you car fucking stinks. Most people either don’t realize their car stinks or they have gotten used to the smell and think it must be normal for your car to stink like a wet motherfucking dog or baby vomit or fat lady underarm or whatever that funky ass smell is. That shit ain’t normal.

If you have pets (especially dogs) and regularly transport them in your car/truck/suv and you don’t vacuum out the vehicle regularly to keep the hair (and consequently the smell) under control, then your car definitely fucking stinks.

If you have children and you ever put them in your car, then your car fucking stinks. Kids are the death knell for a car that doesn’t stink. Having these parasites in you car means you absorb all the smells that go along with them. Diapers, food, spilled drinks, various creams and lotions,
and whothefuck knows what else.

Food. Dude, everybody eats in their car at one time or another. But if you spill the french fries while driving down the road, at least try to clean it up when you stop. Hell, as long as you don’t wait two weeks you should be fine.

On the flip side are people who overcompensate for their stink and buy four vanilla air fresheners or the strongest smelling incense hippy sonofabitch air freshener. Does anyone really want their car to smell like a convenience store? Lay off that shit. Damn.

Not sure if your car stinks? Try this. Park your car with all the windows up for a couple of hours. Find a friend who doesn’t regularly ride in your car and ask them to get in the car and give you their immediate first impression. I bet it stinks. Everybody's car is different and they all smell different. There is hope. Febreeze is your friend. Extreme cases of car stink should be handled by a stink professional at a quality car detail shop. Don't be the stinky kid, asshole.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Lollygaggers

Well La-Dee-Freaking Da. Sonofabitch! The Wildcats? UGA lost to the fucking Wildcats! No one should have to listen to a fucking University of Kentucky fan gloat about football! That's not how the world is supposed to work. Fucking lollygaggers. What has happened to the universe? The end must be motherfucking near, and this is officially a rebuilding year.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Blogs Defined

After reading a few of the collected paragraphs that my local newspaper's website has labeled blogs, I had to wonder: who are they fucking kidding? Those are some of the worst fucking excuses for a blog in history. JesusHenryChrist. I hope they don't pay these fucktards. These can't really be considered blogs at all. They all have the same template: boring ass brainless comment about said subject followed by several idiotic questions for the readers. How lazy is that? Throwing out questions and waiting for others to comment is such a cop out. You might as well be one of those overrated bloggers with open threads all day long.They have a jackass for every occasion and every mind numbingly boring subject too. The 'garden blog', the 'political blog', the 'sports blog', the 'women with no fucking brains and nothing interesting to say' blog, the 'I can't find a man because I'm an annoying pretentious bitch' blog, the 'crappy nonsensical, artistic movie critic' blog, the 'completely emasculated man's guide to antiquing' blog, and so on and so on. The worst part is how many asshats read this crap. There are so many good blogs out there tackling a huge array of subjects that I hate to think people are wasting their time reading the worst, bottom of the barrel shit put out by a horrible major newspaper. Unfortunately the readership seems to be large (and stupid) as evidenced by the reader responses. Holy bumbling, incoherent, moronic feedback Batman. People suck. Reading the dumbass, poorly constructed thoughts of my fellow Americans is sad. It's all part of the dumbing down of society. One day, in the near future, hospitals will just give parents a helmet with every newborn child because we are headed for a fucktard nation. There is plenty of good stuff to read out there regardless of your interests or reasons for reading. Don't be one of those people. Wake up.